Tears

To tell the truth, I've been avoiding this topic as much as possible. It causes me many tears. But I need to write about it, so I can heal and I hope it helps others.

My situation is not an easy one. I have been ANGRY, because of it for 20 years. Most people don't know this, because I keep upbeat (a cover) most of the time.

My anger stems from what I have lost, my daily struggles and fears.

When I was a teenager, my plans were to be an actress. I even studied Theater Arts in college for awhile. I was very shallow, depending on my looks to get me there. But God had different plans for me.

Fast forward to 25 years old, my life is not what I expected. I feel I look like a monster! Let's see, acting jobs for monsters'; zombie and Bride of Frankenstein. A lot, huh?

I was and am angry about this.

Also, when I do everyday tasks ie...getting from my lounge chair to the computer, making a meal or just going to the bathroom, it takes me ten times longer than the usual person.

I have to consider every move I make, because I could fall or hurt myself so easily, which could cause me to end up in the hospital or ultimately a nursing home for the rest of my life (my biggest fear, I'm only 45).

This causes anger, which I try to stuff, but after 20 years of stuffing "Crap," my temper is explosive. I need to release it, to be able to heal.

After all is said and done, when I get to heaven, Gods' not going to care what I looked like on earth, just how I lived my life. What my niece posted on Facebook (she found it online somewhere) says it best, "I want to be the kind of Christian, that when I wake up in the morning and my foot hits the floor. The devil says, 'Oh crap! She's up!'" I also want him cowering in the corner!

So I cry, but so did Jesus. I can go through these few trials for Jesus, look what He did for me.

But as they came closer to Jerusalem and Jesus saw the city ahead, he began to cry.

Luke 19:41

Jesus wept.

John 11:35

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce