Joyful Sorrow

It's time again to explain somethings;

As you know I have had a brain stem stroke. This affects my emotions. From day-to-day, minute-to minute my emotions change at the drop of a hat. I've been diagnosed Bi-polar due to this. I need you to realize that you could ask me a question one day and you will get a positive, upbeat answer. Then, ask me the same question the very next day and the answer will be gloom and doom. I'm telling you this to explain that my posts are "MY" perception of events, warped or not. I have been trying to keep things upbeat, not telling you my real feelings all the time, which is causing more anger. After all I'm writing this to cleanse the anger from my soul.

I was already mad at God, life, the world and myself, because of this blessed/tragedy. So my memories of living with Peg are skewed by anger and resentment. The situation we lived in was an extremely difficult one. Actually, I think we both harbored resentment and ill will back then from: being suddenly parachuted into the world of disability and not being able to do things for ourselves, etc.

This will pay as a warning to you that I AM going to write my true feelings down and not candy-coat them anymore.

On with my story...

I was feeling uncertain about my children leaving me ONCE AGAIN, to go back to Utah. Even though I knew I would be following them in a month, my children's questions of things was a worry. The question of; if I would really be coming back to Utah?, the question of; whether I was still going to die?, the question of; if they really would have to live with their dad or aunt for the rest of their lives?, and the questions of; an unsure life.

We took them to the airport and as they walked warily away, hand in tiny little hand with the stewardess, my heart plunged into my stomach, like an elevator when it's cable snaps. It was extremely heart wrenching. But thank God, He gave me the strength to deal with it.

Now it was time to get my colostomy reversal surgery done, so I could join my children. I was so willing to get rid of that disgusting, stinky thing and be able to go to the bathroom in my old, usual way.

I was excited, yet sad to be going back to Utah. On one hand I would be reunited with my children and some extended family, this was happy news. But on the other hand I was leaving Peg, Ann and Robert, plus their families, this would be a very sorrowful day.

Their sorrow was turned into joy

Esther 9:22

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce