Silent Anger

I feel the need to go back in my life a bit, to when I was 11 years old. This is part of whats causing some of my anger to this day.

My mother was a single mom with three children still at home, raising children by yourself is tough. She had just found a man that made her very happy and brought him home for the first time. While she was finishing dinner she had asked us kids to entertain him. Well my brother Robert and sister Peggy were teenagers. Like any teen they were rebellious and left the room as soon as mom turned her back, so I became the feature entertainer.

Seizing the moment this awful man drug me onto his lap and proceeded to molest me. I was in shock as he told me what he was doing was normal and said not to breath a word of it to anyone. In my innocence and shock, I believed him. Besides he made my mother happy and as you've read in earlier blogs, I'm a people-pleaser to a fault. So I kept quiet.

My mother's relationship with this man grew for many months, giving him plenty of opportunity to molest me over and over again. I still didn't say a word, after all my mom was happy and that was more important to me than my own concerns.

Eventually the two of them married and the abuse continued. Even when I would try to avoid him, he'd say something to my mother about me being rude and then I was forced to sit on his lap and hug him.

My mom didn't know what was happening, so I can't really blame her. He would also bribe me or threaten my mothers life, so I would be to fearful to tell.

He also enjoyed getting Peggy into hot water because this would anger my mother, then she would hit and abuse my sister while he held her down or helped in someway. Come to find out she had spurned his advances, he was mad! She was brave and told her boyfriend's family what was happening. She didn't know what was going on with me, but suspected. That's when she was removed from my mother's custody.

I was extremely sad over this. The secret threats on me, my brother and my mother escalated. This scared me, keeping me quiet until I asked if I could go visit Peggy. I was denied this privilege by both my mother and this creep. I threw a fit and threatened the creep that I would tell my mom what he was doing to me.

Guess What?! I was allowed to see Peg and as we visited that deep well of fear, doubt and shame flooded the room. I told her everything. With tears in her eye's she convinced me to tell a responsible adult.

The next day I went straight to my school counselor and spewed everything as fast as I could, before I lost my nerve. They called the authorities who came and took custody of me that day. Peg had spoke to her foster family about my situation and begged them to take me in too.

Ultimately my mother divorced this pervert and he was sent to prison with the help of mine and Peg's testimony.

But the point of telling this story is forgiveness. Forgiveness of my mom, forgiveness of this man and forgiveness of myself.

It's a fact that not forgiving is like poison to the holder. When we don't forgive someone it does not effect the offender. They may not know your problem with them, or even care and go on as usual. But when your the one not forgiving, it makes you angry and eats you up inside. It is always there.

I've been harboring this pain in my heart and it's part of what has made me an angry, bitter person. I've been trying to ignore this. It's NOT Working! I have to let it out.

I'm declaring right now to you all. I'm forgiving every participant in this incident. I'm doing it for myself, so I can heal from this. After all look what man kind did to Jesus and he still forgave.

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

Matthew 6:14

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce