Selfishness vs Love

I don't know if it's just me or other people are affected the same way. Being the oldest seems to come with certain responsibilities. I have always felt responsible for all my brothers and sisters since I was very young. Since Merrym is the youngest of seven children and I'm the oldest (almost 18 years difference in age), I really felt responsible for her. She came to live with me to finish high school and to attend college. Since Merrym is closer in age to my daughters than me, she was automatically closer to them socially. While she lived with me, I treated her just like one of my daughters.

When Merrym became ill, it just seemed natural to take over and be in charge of her care. The only ones who could sign for Merrym's surgeries were Mom or I. Since Mom lived in another state, it fell on me most of the time. If there were decisions to make about Merrym, I had to make them, many times quickly and with no time to talk to other family members.

I visited Merrym as much as I could while she was in the hospital. I even checked her out on Sundays to go to church. Always at the top of my worry list was, "what is going to happen to Merrym when she is able to leave the hospital?" I only had my job for 7 years and it was my sole income. I knew I couldn't have her come and live with me. The thought of a nursing home passed through my thoughts many times, but I really didn't know what to do. I just felt like whatever happened, I needed to take care of it.

But as always, God had a plan and His plan was Peggy. She wasn't working outside the home at the time and she volunteered to have Merrym come and live with her. In all my selfishness, I was relieved. Of course I would make sure her children got there, of course I would get them to the airport, in fact I would have done any thing to know Merrym was going to be taken care of and that my life could go on as it was. As I think back I realize how selfish all these feelings were and have had to ask God's forgiveness.

I praise God that Peggy took Merrym and her children to live with her family. I praise God that Peggy had the time, the love and the willingness to do what she did. I also praise God for her husband, Jim, and her children because they all sacrificed to have Merrym live with them.

And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.

I Samuel 18:3

Love, Mother Hen (Glory)

Home Sweet Home

So, there we were on a plane bound for Washington State, so excited we couldn't stop giggling!

Mer hadn't been on a plane, since who knows when? Her ears were bothering her so, I gave her a stick of gum to get those babies to pop! Well Mer and chewing, hum? Mer and choking, Well Ya! What Was I Thinking?!
Slap! Slap! Slap! On her back and out flew the gum, Right Into The Stewardess' Hair! At least that's what we thought. Of course that caused more hysterics. We laughed even harder when the prune faced old lady across the isle gave us the stink eye.

We never could bring ourselves to tell the stewardess she may have gum in her hair. I'm sure she's still trying to get it out to this day!

Well of course Jim was waiting at Sea-Tac Airport for us.
We sat as calmly as possible, while all the other passengers grabbed their belongings and exited the plane. Then, they finally brought the wheelchair.

Home Sweet Home!
But then again, no rest for the weary!
Taking care of Mer was a 24/7, and then some kinda job.
She couldn't transfer real well, she had to be watched while she ate. The bathroom, as in urinating at night, was using a bed pan. Her colostomy bag had to be changed daily, bandages changed, meds given and lotion on the healed skin grafts. She could not dress her self, needed help to brush her teeth and hair.
Basically it was like having a very large infant. Even my three year old was more capable. Sad, but true.

I'm not complaining, we just need to put it out there.
I also had three children 3, 6 and 8 years old, a husband and a household to run.

But you just set you mind on auto-pilot and go!

He wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal.
Job 5:18

Love you Mer

Tears

To tell the truth, I've been avoiding this topic as much as possible. It causes me many tears. But I need to write about it, so I can heal and I hope it helps others.

My situation is not an easy one. I have been ANGRY, because of it for 20 years. Most people don't know this, because I keep upbeat (a cover) most of the time.

My anger stems from what I have lost, my daily struggles and fears.

When I was a teenager, my plans were to be an actress. I even studied Theater Arts in college for awhile. I was very shallow, depending on my looks to get me there. But God had different plans for me.

Fast forward to 25 years old, my life is not what I expected. I feel I look like a monster! Let's see, acting jobs for monsters'; zombie and Bride of Frankenstein. A lot, huh?

I was and am angry about this.

Also, when I do everyday tasks ie...getting from my lounge chair to the computer, making a meal or just going to the bathroom, it takes me ten times longer than the usual person.

I have to consider every move I make, because I could fall or hurt myself so easily, which could cause me to end up in the hospital or ultimately a nursing home for the rest of my life (my biggest fear, I'm only 45).

This causes anger, which I try to stuff, but after 20 years of stuffing "Crap," my temper is explosive. I need to release it, to be able to heal.

After all is said and done, when I get to heaven, Gods' not going to care what I looked like on earth, just how I lived my life. What my niece posted on Facebook (she found it online somewhere) says it best, "I want to be the kind of Christian, that when I wake up in the morning and my foot hits the floor. The devil says, 'Oh crap! She's up!'" I also want him cowering in the corner!

So I cry, but so did Jesus. I can go through these few trials for Jesus, look what He did for me.

But as they came closer to Jerusalem and Jesus saw the city ahead, he began to cry.

Luke 19:41

Jesus wept.

John 11:35

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

Packed and ready to head her up and move her out! YEE HA!

Of course it was very hard for Mer to say goodbye. She had to say it to her wonderful, caring hospital FAMILY. This place was Mer's safe haven, her place to hide out from he cruel world just beyond those sliding doors. But alas, cutting the apron strings was a given.

She also had to say so long to our relatives and to her two little ones.
Glory was setting up a move for the children, HALLELUJAH!

We arrived at the airport anxious to move forward in this new life God had planned.Glory had driven us and as any good, "Mother Hen" would do, waited to make sure we got off safely. While tapping our toes and twiddling our thumbs Mer and I had to get in one last "Got Ya!" with Glory who was nervously wondering around. I yelled across the airport lobby, "Hey Glory You've Got A Wedgie!" Of course Glory being "Glory"..., she yelled right back, "What's A Wedgie?! " Mer and I were rolling with laughter, while everyone else stared at her!

We were the first to board, sitting in the very front row. This gave Mer as much room as possible for her bad leg, as it could not bend much. As passengers pushed impatiently by they either scowled or did the quick, "I'm not really looking" thing. Mer was learning that these kind of responses would be forever hers to deal with. A difficult task. But as they say, God doesn't give us any thing we can't handle. That's exactly one of the reasons GOD PICKED MER. To live as an example on this earth. He knew she could and would handle it!

Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ.
1 Corinthians 11:1-3

Love You Mer

Mission Field

While Peg was at Rehab with me, we went a few places, so Peg could get used to getting me in and out of a vehicle. One place was Temple Square to see the Christmas lights, before they were removed. While there I noticed little kids starring at me as they passed by. I didn't like it at all. I mean, I was already self-conscious of how I looked, so as they starred I stuck my tongue out at them. This went on for a while, until Peggy noticed. She was upset, got down to my level (nose-to-nose) and very firmly said, "Knock your crap off! Kids are just curious and you may be the first disabled person they've ever seen. Meaning, YOU could be the first impression they get of someone who's disabled. What you're doing could scare them and make them afraid of disabled people. Do you want that?" After that talk I stopped sticking my tongue out at any one.

What Peg said took a while to sink in, but it finally did (thick-headed syndrome). But because of this talk I am a changed person. Now children are my top priority and I hope they see Jesus in me.

When I see a child, I go out of my way to make sure I talk to them (after all I am at their level), and I answer any questions they might have. For instance: "Where's your leg?"

"In heaven waiting for me, so when I get there I'll have two legs and I'll be dancing on the streets of gold. When you see me there will you dance with me?"

I believe part of my mission field is the children I come in contact with daily. What a wonderful mission field!

"Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the One who sent me."

Mark 9:37

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Rehab! Rehab! Read All About It!

Yes, Mer and I were Miss-Chievous, that's for sure!
Slim got a real work out that week. I think we hid him in a different spot everyday, just to scare the heck out of someone.

Other rehab memories:

Mer and I would sit in an open social area for meals everyday, this was required so that the patients were forced to mingle. One day a tiny elderly woman sat with us. She was very angry at the world and it showed! She was so rude and disrespectful. Observing Merrym's condition she looked at me and said, "If I had to live like that, I'd kill myself!" OHHH! Steam must have been coming out of my head and my eyeballs popping. I had to really control my hand, it SO wanted to slap the snot right out of her! But we just kept right on keep'n on.

I did go to hydrotherapy with Mer. The room was so industrial looking, I thought they were going to cook up a pot of Merrym stew. Mer sat buckled in a sling that was attached to a huge robotic arm, it lifted her up in the air and then down into a humongous vat of bubbling water to soak. But before they did that, the therapist had Mer sit buck naked, while he picked every single one of her scabs off with some type of tweezers. Remember the days when our mothers said, "Don't pick that scab off, you'll leave a scar?" Well so much for that mom!

Mer absolutely hated going to the psych, talk obstinate! I'm sure she just wanted to stuff this ugly turmoil. That's always so much easier and less painful.

The recreational staff took us to the zoo, dropped us off and left, well we were kinda animalistic.

We re-learned how to use the kitchen, what were they thinking Mer, a stroke and sharp objects didn't mix, HELLO!

At the end of most days the staff didn't go home, they watched movies in "Comedy Central", Mer's room.

Watching Mer learn how to use her walker was very difficult for me. I didn't like seeing that version of my LITTLE sister. But, oh how I admired her!

While I was taking "nursing" lessons, my wonderful husband was home with our three children, painting and readying a room for Mer's homecoming.

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:10


Love you Mer

Pranks and Thanks!

The time had come near for me to go home. Yahoo! I get to go home, HOME! I couldn't believe after seven and a half months in the hospital, also after I thought I'd be in a nursing home, Peg and Jim said I could come live with them. Thank you God, Peg and Jim for allowing me to go home! Even now as I think about it I cry in thanks and joy.

So Peg came to learn to take care of me. Being around her makes me more mischievous than usual, because when we get together, we are like the Cheshire Cat and his smile (MISS-CHIEVOUS!). She went everywhere with me, ie…all my therapies.

One of the things she did was to follow me to hydrotherapy. On the way to the room with the tub in it, we had to go down a hall with pictures of hospital benefactors. I asked for a marker, Peg and the therapist asked me, “Why?” “To draw moustaches on the pictures, of course,” I said. I received a peel of laughter, a quick, “No!” and they didn't give me a marker. Golly!

After seeing good relationships between the staff and me, Peg soon became my accomplice in pranks.

• On the physical therapy gym door we put a sign that read “TORTURE CHAMBER”, (my name for it.)

• In the gym was a skeleton I called “my boyfriend.” Peg said, “Oh really. Whats his name?” It came to me quick, “Slim, Slim Pickens,” I said. “Slim Pickens his nose?” she asked. “Yes, that’s it! How did you know?” The next day we taped his finger up his nose...tee, hee!

• Another day, I found some one with a key to Pat's (my speech therapist) office. We put Slim behind her desk, her warm welcome the next morning.

• When our sister Karen came to visit, we went to the cafeteria for a snack. As we were leaving, we grabbed a plastic fork and a few ketchup packets. On the way to my room I got some tape. Peg and Karen proceeded to break the prongs off the fork and taped it to my forehead sticking straight out over my eye's, then covered the tape with the ketchup. They pushed me around the rehab unit, while I grabbed my head, like Kevin in home alone, and yelled "I have a headache!" Everyone just cracked up.

Joy comes in the morning.

Psalms 30:5

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Room Mates

That was November.
Fast forward to late January,

The plan was, I would fly to Utah, stay at the LDS hospital for a week and actually learn every aspect of Merrym's care, so I could bring her to Washington state to live with my family.

Overwhelmed with every feeling that my body could emote at one time felt like sparks shooting from my pores. Excitement, intimidation, happiness, fear, disbelief, and trepidation. YEEOW!

I knew nothing about the disabled, let alone anything about the medical field.Well Crash Course Here I Come!

The hospital had the coolest set up. A room right in the rehab unit with two double beds. As similar to a hotel room as they could possibly make it.

I arrived scared but ready to learn anything they threw at me. But also ready for a little Mer hi-jinks, too.

Mer was just recovering from her latest skin graft. (I think surgeries were at #21 by now!) Her plastic surgeon was there to take pictures of her delicate work. I'm sure this kind of grafting was one in a million. Who of all of us wants to be pictured in a medical journal, but Mer knew allowing these pictures may help others down the road.

I ate, slept and breathed Mer, Mer, Mer.
I learned how to shower her, help her in and out of a vehicle, how to lift a wheelchair, UGH! Is there really a way without hurting yourself?!
I also learned how to care for her tissue paper skin, how to dress her wounds, what vitamins/meds she took and what each was for. The ickiest part of all this was her colostomy. BLECK! But there was no way she could care for herself at this time. Her movements were very uncontrollable.

You might wonder why she needed a colostomy? Well the actual wound or tissue removal was from the mid right buttock down to the top of her ankle. So they needed that area of her bottom to stay as clean as possible.

The wound itself reflected the hole that Satan and self destruction can tear in one of Gods people if allowed. It was indescribable. The horror of it was heart breaking and stomach wrenching, all at the same time. It basically looked like a very bad burn. Bone with mangled skin pulled over it!

I prayed that God WOULD help me handle every aspect of this. Mer was all that mattered at this point.

He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his donkey, and took him to an inn and took care of him.
Luke 10:34

Love you Mer

They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said "No, no, no!"

Now let's get back to the Rehab unit.

While I was in the hospital I became addicted to morphine and Demerol. This was due to the excruciating pain I was in, they gave me a shot of morphine every six hours. I watched the clock like a hawk, wanting that escape I got from the drug. Ten minutes before it was due I would push my call button and ask for my shot. The reply was always the same, "You need to wait until it's time." After a while of doing this, the charge nurse came to me and very sternly said "We know when your shot is due, and we're not going to forget. All the nurses are getting upset with you. So I am asking you to stop calling about your meds. We got it covered."

The fact that the nurses were upset at me weighed heavy on my heart. I've never liked when anyone was mad at me, but a handful of people mad, was overwhelming. I thought, "What can I do to change the situation?" I apologized to each one, as I saw them, and told them a joke. This made everything good between me and the nurses. Eventually, my room became "Joke Telling Central." One day the nurses were going to get Chinese food and they pooled money to get me some too.

I wanted to pay them back for their kindness, but how? I had it, there were poinsettias being set out for Christmas decorations. As I was pushed around the hospital on visits from family and for therapy appointments, I would confiscate the poinsettias and give them to the nurses. They knew exactly where they came from, but it was our little secret...(tee, hee, hee).

Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.

Proverbs 14:9

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Back to our Future

Well, I wasn't able to get back to Utah until Thanksgiving of that year. My husband took time off and I had quit my teaching job at the Christian school so I could take care of little James' medical issues. We packed the kids up and drove down to Uintah where my sister Glory lived.

I can see, and taste that feeling of walking into the rehab room that Mer had been relocated to, just as if it were yesterday. It makes me shiver as I type this.

Mer was propped up in bed, right leg elevated in some kind of sling. It was wrapped in the kind of netting material you might see on a burn victim. But it was horribly thin, to thin, except from the ankle down.

Mer seemed chipper. Her movements were very spasmodic and her speech hard to untangle. But thank God our Heavenly Father, my sister, MY SISTER, was a living miracle! Of course none of Mer's difficulties cut into her sense of humor. Mer, Karen and I laughed and joked about everything, especially that stern nurse 14oo hours! (click your heels and salute!)

We got to bring Mer home to Glory's for a couple very guarded hours on Thanksgiving day. Mer was in heaven, but the rest of us were out of sorts. Taking care of a critically disabled loved one was a new challenge to us all, we were shaking in our boots.

These were the first days my children had been exposed to Auntie Mer's difficulties.They were intimidated, yet curious. But this was the beginning of a great learning lesson for them, which started with compassion.

I can visualize myself standing in my sisters shower the water spraying every which way, wondering how I was going to ask my husband if Mer could come live with us. Mer and I had a few conversations earlier on about where would she end up after this long intense hospital stay. She would cry and tremble sputtering out as best her lips would allow. "I have two choices Peggy. I can't live in a nursing home, I'll die. I'm only 26!" (She had a birthday by then.) "I love mom and Dave,(our step dad) but I can't move to New Mexico to live with them, I'll go crazy!" I also knew in both those situations she would not be allowed to see her children often.

Well I finally got around to nervously asking Jim, he agreed with looks of trepidation, knowing that this would be just as good for my psyche as for Mer's.

We sat the plan in motion, but it would still be months before Mer's body would heal enough to leave the hospital.

The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his illness.
Psalm 41:3


Love you Mer

Questions and Answers

There have been some things pointed out to me and asked, that I feel I need to address.

First of all, I need you all to know this process is a hard thing for me. I've pointed out before when I have pain, whether physical or emotional, I change the subject quickly. So after twenty years of going through this blessed tragedy/illness and all it's repercussions, I have not truly grieved.

My family and I are learning new things daily, by reading and writing this blog. That's right we've never sat down and discussed all the different things we all went through. Crazy, huh?

Anyway let's deal with the tarot card thing. My friend pointed out that all playing cards originated from tarot cards. Yes, this is true. But the decks we play with today are less ominous and have less cards. Like anything it's the content in which they're used that causes concern.

Questions have come up about the drinking of blood. Where did the blood come from? The head warlock cut his wrist, bled into a special goblet and passed it around. Everyone was expected to drink some with no questions asked. We followed blindly, even though AIDS was running rampant at that time. Dumb, huh?

This then brings up the question; Do I think that the drinking of the blood caused my illness? It may have, but I don't think so because I drank blood a year and a half before my blessed tragedy/illness. For me this was a one time incident.

As days go by I find this blog is touching my life and other people's lives. This is my wish, that my story help others and to shine God's light, of what He can do, if you let Him.

Dealing with this has caused tears daily, but now is the time to cry. God's there to wipe away the tears. Hallelujah!

He will wipe every tear away from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, crying or pain.

Revelations 21:4

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

If you have questions, concerns or want me to address something, feel free to leave them in the comment box below or on my facebook page. I'm also willing to pray for you.

Life Happens

It was time to head out. Robert, Angelia and I packed it up and hit the asphalt. Ann had her own vehicle and decided she could stay on and support the Utah crew. My niece was also getting married at the end of the upcoming week, so Ann represented the Washington crew at that celebration. Which was over shadowed by our families grief.

While on the road home the three of us tried hard to put the thoughts and visions of Mer out of our minds. We told jokes, sang with the radio, made goofy signs to wave at other motorists. But it didn't work, nor should it have. There riding right along in the rumble seat, sat Mer, at least our visions of her.

The next few weeks were overwhelming for me. My son's IV meds had been changed up, but he ended up back at the hospital with an infection at the IV site. Two year olds and sterile don't go together, duh?

Then, I get a call from my foster mother letting me know that my foster sister's baby had died from SIDS. Stupid phone! All it did was bring bad news into our safe haven."Jesus, what is it your trying to tell us?" I thought.

After that I dreaded the brrrring! brrrring! of the phone. I'd jump out of my skin and get a knot in my stomach every time. I just knew the voice on the other end would whisper in my ear, "It's over, she's gone!"

I'd lay on the couch and sob, inconsolable, thinking "Why Mer God, why not me? She's just 25, a poor single mom, why not me?" My husband and children would stand by me. We could handle this so much better.

I needed to get back there. I just knew I had to get back there, but life happens.


The troubles of the heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
Psalm 25:17

Love you Mer

Witchcraft, the Occult and Tarot Cards

God knows what we're going to do before we do it.

Let's go back again before the hospital.

I have told you that at 8 yrs old I gave my life to Christ. You might want to know how I got pulled into the occult. Well, it was not an over night thing.

It started 3 years before the illness. My ex-husband introduced me to some of "his friends." I got a sick feeling in my stomach, not knowing why, I ignored it. We were playing board games. When one game was over, tarot cards were brought out. I freaked out saying, "That is devil worship!" grabbed my 1 yr old and left without my husband.

Slowly they desensitized me to the "witchcraft", because my husband allowed them to do tarot readings in another room of my home. He found people I admired that were in the occult and encouraged me to hang around them, and I got to the point I let them read my cards. I was in the area when they did their rituals and finally they included me.

Eventually they had me wrapped up in this stuff to the point of me buying my own tarot cards and drinking blood. Not a good environment for me or my kids.

But God never left me during it all.

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Luke 12:7

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

"The Deceiver"

One thing I have learned in my 47 years of being a Christian is that you are never through fighting Satan. He is constantly on the prowl, using those who are willing to serve him.

Merrym's boyfriend, Blu, and her supposed best friend, Mel, became a constant concern of the family. I believe that Blu would have taken over, if he could have convinced them he was Merrym's fiancee. Our family decided that we would not let Blu or Mel visit Merrym in ICU without one of us with them. They had this way of leaning over and whispering in her ear, which in turn caused Merrym to be extremely agitated, even in her unconsious state.

I had to continuously ask the nurses to take the snake ring off her bed, but somehow it always found its way back there. I could never understand why in such a sterile environment as ICU, the nurses would allow a ring to hang right by her head.

One day when no one was at the hospital, but me, I took the ring and carried it out to my purse. The next day I had a friend heat it up with a torch until it exploded.

At one point, weeks had passed and Blu had not been to visit. When he finally called, he didn't ask how Merrym was, he just asked, "Can she talk yet?" It made us wonder what they were afraid Merrym might tell us.

As family had to leave to go home to other states the battle continued between Blu and I. We are sure to this day that he pulled her feeding tube out, because Merrym didn't have the strength to do it.

While Merrym was in rehab she had mixed feelings about Blu, but I knew he was bad news. He knew I was a Christian and he would leave Bible verses on her wall for me, about not judging. I was not impressed with his knowledge of the Bible, after all Satan used scripture on Jesus in the wilderness.

One day I went to visit and there at the foot of Merrym's bed was a two-and-half-foot high stuffed dragon. Most people would have thought it was cute with its long horns and big eyes, but I saw it as a challenge from Blu. I told Merrym I was going to take it and put it with her things at home. I put it in the back seat of my car. It sat there for a couple of days. One night when it was dark, I was driving down the freeway. I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw the shape of the Devil. He was a dark figure with horns. I almost jumped out of my skin, but then I realized it was just that stupid dragon. I pulled over, stopped the car and opened the door. I took the dragon and threw him on the road and drove off. It took several hours before I was totally calmed down.

I never saw Blu after that!

He seized the dragon, that ancient serpent, who is the devil, or Satan, and bound him for a thousand years.

Revelation 20:2

Love "Mother Hen" (Glory)

Laughter IS the best medicine

God gives us humor, I believe to make it through tough times.

I spent most of my time in a special air-bed the seven and a half months that I was in the hospital, so I wouldn't get bed sores. For them to get me out of bed they had to turn off the air, which deflated the bed. This hurt, making me hate getting out of bed. It also sounded like, someone passing gas. When this happened I'd quickly think of something to get my mind off the pain. "Did I do that?" was my getting out of bed motto. I practiced saying this, until I could do it, so anyone in the room could understand it. This received a barrel of laughter. My reward!

The times they got me out of bed were for therapy; speech, occupational, physical, hydrotherapy and counseling with a psychiatrist. They tried to time these so they were consecutive, to cause less stress on me.

I didn't like counseling one bit. There was nothing funny about having to deal with the reality of my situation. My psychiatrist was not my favorite person because of this task. Looking back, she was only doing her job, but I didn't care. I was going through to much emotional pain to care how she felt.

One time when I was in physical therapy, the therapist had asked my doctor to come and encourage me. As he entered, I was in the parallel bars. The therapist told me the doctor was there and to show him how good and long I could stand. I struggled to stand, then stood as long as I could, at the time it was 4 minutes and 30 seconds. The doctor was very encouraging saying, "Good job Merrym! Your doing a great job! Next time I come will you stand longer for me?" My answer was, "Sure, 4 minutes and 31 seconds." He left laughing and shaking his head, which he did often around me.

Sorrow may remain for night, but joy comes in the morning.

Psalms 30:5

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Perseverance

My Rehab was not all fun and games. It was hard, very hard and painful.

I had to relearn to talk, stand, feed myself, pretty much everything we all take for granted. This made me very angry at life and God. It's OK to be mad at Him. He gave us that emotion, as long as we still love and obey Him (like a child parent relationship, He is after all our Father-God).

He loves us no matter what.

I went into a deep depression, enough to ask the doctor if he would give me sleeping pills all the time. I thought I could just sleep through all the bad stuff and wake up on the tail end of all this "crap". It didn't happen!

Examples of my tough times in Rehab;

They would put me on a standing table twice a day. What that means is I'm strapped to a table from head to toe, then they would push a button to tip the table. I was standing straight up for 30 minutes and they would leave the room. Not sure I trusted them to come back on time and with the excruciating pain, it was hard to concentrate on anything, except for how mad I was this was happening to me.

Being in a wheelchair was bad enough, but the nurses would not push me to where I was going (to teach me independence). I would get so angry at them that more than a few times I would sit obstinately in the hall for long periods of time.

My sister, Karen had come to see me, which didn't happen as often as I would have liked. Due to how far away she lived (an hour and a half), also she had 4 children and a husband to take care of. Anyway that day, there was this really strict nurse on duty. It was 1:30 pm when she walked in talking extremely loud and said, "At fourteen hundred hours you have to be ready for your whirlpool bath. So I need your guest to step out, so you'll be ready at fourteen hundred hours." My sister asked if we could have a few more minutes. The nurse replied, "No! She has hydrotherapy at fourteen hundred hours and she can't be late ' fourteen hundred hours." I looked at her pleadingly. She said, "I'm sorry, but I didn't make the rules. They told me to have you ready at fourteen hundred hours, and you'll be ready at fourteen hundred hours." Needless to say my sister said a quick goodbye and left. I was livid, and from that moment on that nurse's new name became fourteen hundred hours.

With God I persevered.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Good vs. Evil

My name is Glory. I am Merrym's oldest sister and as many of the family used to call me, "Mother Hen".

While Merrym and the doctors were fighting for Merrym's physical life, I spent much of my time fighting for her soul. Before her illness Merrym had gotten mixed up with a witch coven. She had spent much of her time playing 'Dungeons and Dragon' and other rituals, since forgotten by Merrym. From this coven came her boyfriend, Blu. He was a warlock in training. Merrym had taken him away from one of the other witches in the coven and there were hard feelings. I met him when I rushed to McKay Dee hospital to see what was happening with my sister. I was extremely unhappy to see a serpent ring tied on the bed.
A few days later at LDS Hospital I saw Blu in the elevator. He was dressed in his warlock garb. He had locks of Merrym's hair in his earrings, his familiar bag (a bag containing crystals, special things etc. meant for protection) around his neck. Our conversation went as follows:
Blu: "You know they didn't mean for it to be this bad."
Glory: "WHAT?"
Blu; "Pam and the others didn't mean what happened to Merrym to be as bad as it is."
Glory: "What did they do?"
Blu: "They put a spell on Merrym, because they were mad about her taking me away, but didn't think it would be this bad. The only way you can fight them is by calling on the name of Jesus."
Glory: "I want you to give Pam and the rest a message for me and get it straight: I've read the end of the BOOK and WE WIN!"

I will destroy witchcraft and you will no longer cast spells.

Micah 5:11-13

Love "Mother Hen"

Glory

Choices

We all have choices to make. Mine were very important to my well-being.

One of mine was to Live or Die. The choice of living meant , not giving up. To die meant giving up.

I choose to live!

Another was to Laugh or Cry. My family has laughed through life, so guess what I choose?

I choose to laugh!

For instance;

My speech therapist, Pat. I loved to pick on her. Let's go back to the day I met her. She entered my room without permission, and just started prodding me to make sounds. This made me very angry and I was already bitter from all the "crap" that had happened. So being the brat I am, I tried to upset her.

She would give me a list of words to practice saying daily. Oh, I practiced them alright! But I put the words together to make sentences that would irritate her, like; Why me? or I want Pepsi! (Pepsi was my addition to the list ). Eventually she understood what I was doing and went along with it. This endeared her to me. I love it when people get me!

We became fast friends after that, to the point that on Fridays (her day off), the staff was on guard for me to be in a bad mood.

It got to the point, that I talked her into helping me with pranks. One day I was in her office and I was making fun of my doctor. He was young, hip, and had ME as a patient, poor guy. He wore wild ties, which was not what I expected from a doctor. Anyway I said I wanted to be just like him, I asked for a piece of paper I drew a tie and then colored it madly with markers. I asked Pat to cut it out, give me a paperclip and clip it to my shirt. She did, and I went around the rehab unit only answering to Dr. Granger.

My favorite prank I pulled off with Pat"s help was at Christmas time. Someone had given me white malted milk balls. The kind that if you licked them, their color would come off. I went to my room with my therapist, got in bed, grabbed a milk ball, licked it and wiped it all over my lips. Now my lips were all white and cakey looking. Then I had my therapist call my doctor STAT. He came running in my room and was trying to figure out why my lips were white. I licked my lips, laughing. He just shook his head, smiling the whole time and left the room...

We were filled with laughter, and we sang for joy. And the other nations said, "What amazing things the Lord has done for them."

Psalms 126:2

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

More Memories

Prayer circles
I remember prayer circles, we had many.
Each day at any given time we would form a circle holding hands right there in the waiting room. Who ever was there visiting at the time was expected to join in.

The Doctors
Now we're not LDS but find that those in the Mormon community are giving, loving and supportive. The doctors would set a time each morning to meet with all of us, give up-dates and answer any questions. The one question I pondered was how did she contract this? They really couldn't put their finger on it.

Blu
Now before Mer ended up in the hospital she was in a relationship.
A strange relationship.
I really can't tell you much about it other than this guy was a doozy!
So, I met Blu at this time. He was about 25 and seemed loser-ish. I remember he wore 2 scary demon looking rings, one was a snake and the other an eyeball. I also remember he smuggled a sword into the hospital stuck down the leg of his pants.
Yeah a DOOZY!
I'm not sure when he stopped visiting Mer, but I do know it was after we told the staff he was NOT her fiancee, also after a controversy over who pulled out her feeding tube and something abut money she got from the government.

Asab and Courtney
Merrym's kids were a big concern of mine. I approached the hospital advocate about working on allowing the kids to come live with me, but we had no rights.

Home
I called home daily to give and get up-dates. Finding out at the end of the week that my son James had a allergic reaction to his IV meds, I knew it was time to head home.
What I didn't expect was my mom was heading home also. I was a little miffed. My mom and step dad had been retired for a few years. They lived in New Mexico with no real urgent home matters. But, my step dad said, "We got to get home and water our garden."
What?!
I always felt that the men in my mom's life were more important than her children. I was hurt for Mer. I felt if anyone should be there for her it should be mom.

We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not please ourselves. Each of us should please himself but, as it is written. "The insults of those who insult you have fallen on me"
Romans 15:1-3

Love you Mer

To save a life

I know what/Whom saved my life:

Let's go back to the hospital (Club Med...tee, hee).

• The Hyperbaric chamber-used to heal wounds by oxygenating the blood. There was a problem, they put me in a 9 foot glass enclosure, so the oxygen could pressurize. I'm very claustrophobic! When I awoke enough to realize where I was, I panicked, kicking and screaming. Ultimately, they had to give me something to knock me out before every session. I had to have this done twice a day.
• The hydrotherapy/whirlpool bath-used to cleanse and massage wounds, causing better circulation. I had this twice a day also. It hurt extremely bad getting my bandages taken off and put back on. It felt like my legs were on fire when they did this. They harvested skin from my left leg to cover the wounds on the right. I would cry from the excrutiating pain the whole time. In the hydrotherapy room was a window to the right of me, and staff I didn't even know would watch through it. I was an unusual case, this disease was new at the time. Curiosity got to the staff, they wanted to see what my body looked like. I was on pain killers, so everything seemed like a nightmare. I looked down at my leg and it looked like a long tube of freshly ground hamburger. I was horrified! One day, my hydro therapist got mad at the gawkers for not allowing my privacy and threw something at that window. He walked over screaming at them and shut the blinds "My hero!"
• My children-they needed me. They were and are more important than any pain I had to go through. So I pushed through all the "crap" to be with them.
• God-the number one thing that save my life. He was there every step of the way and when I thought I couldn't make it one more day, hour, minute or second. He was and still is my strength!

"For God has said, "I will never fail you. I will never abandon you."

(No matter what you have to face).

Hebrews 13:5

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Hyperbarics

We felt so helpless!
All we could do was pray.
It was out of our hands, but always in Gods.

Things I remember:

Spending the night at the hospital, my Mom and I were on shift.
The waiting room was simple yet spacious.
The staff provided pillows, knowing that we needed to be there as much as our loved one. I struggled to get a few winks, but felt as soon as I dozed off that my mom was ever so gently nudging my shoulder. "Peggy we can go back now."

I remember:

The chamber, it was time for the chamber.

They bundled her up and rolled her a bit or so down the hall.
Once she was settled, the curtain was whisked back, as if to expose the Wizard of Oz.

There through the large glass window I stood unflinching yet thinking, "Is this an episode from the twilight zone or what?"
There she was in this 9 foot capsule with a window from head to foot, resting, ever so oblivious to the hot summer days passing by without her.

She looked as if she were ready to be shot off to a distant planet just by the push of a thumb.


This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your childern may live
Deuteronomy 30:19

Love you Mer

The prodigal's reckless path

I digress: Let me go back a few years before my illness.

When I became a teenager, like most I rebelled. I got pregnant out of wed-lock, then married the abusive bad boy that had gotten me pregnant (even though I didn't love him). I divorced him after he beat me causing early labor, (my daughter born premature).

I was a biker chick fighting with anyone, just because I was bored.

Got a job as a stripper, drinking and doing drugs at the time.

Most of all, I rebelled against Christianity and God. I had given my life to Christ when I was 8 yrs old, at that time He wrote His name on my heart.

That's when I ran! I found myself in the Satanic cult. Sounds scary I know. It was!

God allowed me to rebel to the brink of death, and then He said, "She's mine." And brought me back to Him.

The younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living.
So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
Luke 15: 13 & 20

The flesh eating bactria was coursing through her veins

My knees swayed.
The bile rose in my throat.

The only thing familiar, was her freckles.
"Oh dear God!" I thought.

Her right leg was wrapped like an entombed mummy.
Her hair, her thick beautiful hair! A thin scraggly mop.
Her skin sallow, and it looked as if her eyes were weeping yellow goo.

In...Out...In...Out... The accordion like respirator breathed for her.

Tubes! Tubes! Everywhere!

Even though I wore rubber gloves I knew she needed to feel a humans touch, so I gently caressed her forehead.

I think it was Ann and I. We spoke softly, telling her we were there and that we loved her. Mer's eyes flitted as if in response. I could see that the color had been drained from them. They were now an eerie gray!

As I scanned over her body I saw that her other leg peeked out from the sheets. The doctors had drawn small red circles all over it. They were places to keep an eye on.
The flesh eating bacteria was coursing through her veins!

Then the angel of the Lord asked him, why have you beaten your donkey these three times? I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me.
Numbers 22:23


Love you Mer

Three months from that dreadful night

My children were 4 and 5 years old when this happened. My family tried to take care of them, but their dad (which they really didn't know, because he was an absentee father) stepped in and took them (I had custody even when I was in the hospital).

It was three months from that dreadful night at the emergency room, until I saw my children again. My mother and step-father brought them to see me, after they removed the tubes from my body, so as not to scare them. It didn't work, they were afraid to get near me, and it didn't help that I was crying, but no sounds were coming out.

My children were so traumatized! It was two more months before the kids were brought to see me. I prayed for my children to be able to deal with me without fear.

I had been moved to the rehab unit, so my family threw a pizza party in my room. I could eat solid food, but it took more energy to eat, than the food provided. So I ate hardly anything. I went from 145 lbs to 98 lbs. But I loved the junk food!

At the party my children warmed up to me, when no one else would pay attention to me, my four year old would yell, "My mom's spelling something!"

Slowly my children's fear melted away and our relationship was not just restored, but strengthened.

If you believe, you shall receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

Matthew 21:22

I am blessed,

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Arrival

Shaking while trying to hold back the flood gates, I shoved anything in sight in my suitcase.
" Wait!" I thought. "A funeral, pack for a funeral!"


It was hectic, I had to give my husband a quick lesson on how to administer IV meds. My 2 year old was recovering from a serious bone infection.

I know, it seems crazy, my son or my sister? But my son was not dying!

All 3 of my children sat on the top bunk looking down at me with confusion on their faces."Mommy has to go say goodbye to Auntie Mer. She's very ill and might die." The trembling words spilled clumsily from my lips.I kissed them and was off.

Twelve blurry hours later my sister Ann, brother Robert, niece Angelia and I stood in the critical care waiting room at the LDS hospital in Salt Lake. Family greeted us with the latest up-date.

Two at a time, gown, mask, gloves. No germs in! No germs out!
Only one 5 minute visit every hour.
We took shifts.

I nervously elbowed the door release button and glanced through the automatic doors.
Mer's room, a huge glass box, first door to the left.
I entered...


Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua1:9

Love you Mer

Next thing I remember...

A month and 1/2 later I woke;

My memories are spotty because of all the drugs they had me on, plus I had a brain stem stroke, which took many of my abilities away and some memory also.

A hospital room with cateracts for windows. I tried to talk, no sound would come out (meaning if I used my call button, the nurse's station would ask over the intercom, "What do you need? and I couldn't respond).

The pain, excruciating pain all over, but especially in my legs!

A nurse came in with a clipboard and taped to it was the alphabet, so I could communicate, by spellinng with my fingers (they ended up bloody from dragging my fingers on the board).

At the time I had no idea what was going on or what happened. I was not in control of my own life, so to get some kind of control back, I would ask people to leave my room by angrily pointing at the door. I needed company, but I needed to feel in control of something, and at that point control was more important.

Most of all, I had time to come to my senses. Before, I had run from God. Now was the time to run to Him.

But when he had come to his senses, he said"How many of my father's hired men have more than enough bread, but I am dying here with hunger! I will get up and go to my father.
Luke 15:17 & 18

I am blessed,
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Peg's Thoughts

Let me introduce myself, I'm Peggy, Merrym's sister, (1 of her 6 siblings).
Her blog is a tag team effort. I'm here to give another perspective to Mer's life struggles.

Yes it's been 20 years, 20 long, very difficult years for my beautiful sister Merrym Dawn.
It was Fathers day June 19th, a beautiful Sunday when the phone rang at my home in Renton Washington.
My oldest sister Glory was on the line," Merrym's on a life flight from McKay-Dee hospital to the LDS hospital!" Now take note, McKay-Dee is at the most a 30 minute drive from Latter Day Saints. I knew something was terribly wrong!
"It's her leg, it's bad! They need to put her in a hyperbaric chamber!"
"She has a 20% chance of living and if she does, she'll probably lose her leg!"

I was in shock! My body slowly slid down the wall I had been leaning against, my hand covering my mouth.

Thoughts, thoughts, spinning thoughts!
What's wrong?! She's only 25! Got to pack! But James, he's so ill! Oh my God she's going to die!


The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his illness.
Psalms 41:3

Love you Mer

Just a start

Hi everyone, I've got to start somewhere, so here goes: I'm a 45 year old disabled woman struggling to get thru this life. I haven't been disabled all my life. For the first 25 years of my life I was able-bodied, very outgoing and fun-loving.

Twenty years ago I woke up at LDS hospital, scared to death, my life had changed forever! (Last thing I remember I was at the McKay-Dee emergency room and they were cutting my pants off my body).

I had contracted the flesh-eating virus (Streptococcus B). It's the bacteria that causes Strep throat, if you get it in your throat you get very sick. But if you get it in your blood, it can cause death. I had it in my blood! At the time it was a relatively new thing, being in the blood that is. Doctors had no idea where it came from or what to do, except remove the rotting tissue...

"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So I will boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of God can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

I am blessed,
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce