Thursday, September 30, 2010

Child-Like Faith

Examples come in all shapes, sizes and ages.

When I was well enough to leave the nursing home, Glory had arranged for me to move into an apartment by myself. She had already got my stuff into it and had prepared a path through the boxes for me to get around. She knew me well enough to know I would want to unpack the boxes myself.

That first night Glory was hesitant to leave me all by myself, but she made sure I had the phone numbers I needed and that I carried my cordless phone where ever I went. All was going well when I went into the bathroom, stood up and lost my balance. I grabbed for the grab-bar to steady myself and it just slid out of the wall. Sitting on the floor in all my glory I praised the Lord for my sister's insight to carry the phone with me and I called her. Glory came to my rescue with her husband in tow for help. They looked at the grab-bar and saw that it had not been put in properly and didn't have any supports to hold it in place. The next morning Glory called and gave them a lecture, informing them that they were lucky that it was our family that this happened to, because anyone else might have sued them. This got them on top of it right away mounting it with extra support.

I fell many times while I lived there and waited patiently to be rescued. It never occurred to me to try to get up by myself.

Until...

I watched my granddaughter, Brittanie, so Courtney could work a job. As Brittanie got older I got a lesson in child-like faith, that I try and refer to, to this day.

Brittanie ran around and played with reckless abandon. But when there was something she couldn't accomplish (dressing a Barbie, putting a puzzle together or grabbing something out of her reach) she'd come directly to me. There was no doubt in her pretty little mind I could do what needed done. Frustration came over me many times, but it was washed away when I'd glance down into those beautiful, innocent, blue eyes that had all confidence in me, so I'd try and try. I did not want to disappoint her. Finally after lots of struggle I'd get the job accomplished.

After a while that faith in me, rubbed off and eventually I taught myself how to get up when I fell. I praise God for the wonderful example He gave me in that 18 month old little girl.

I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."
Mark 10:15

I am blessed

Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Definitions Through the Ages

Have you ever wondered what the term Handicap is derived from and why the people we refer to as this term abhor it?

The word handicap came from 'cap in hand' and referred to the physically disabled's need to subsist as beggars in times past.

As a different-abled person who's been in this situation for 20 years, I, myself just learned this from one of my mentors two weeks ago. We were at a 'Community Awareness for Disability' function in an outdoor setting. I needed to use the bathroom and approached this wise man, saying, "Do they have handicap bathrooms here?" Andy quickly and firmly said, "No! But there are 'Accessible' restrooms just over the bridge." I was a bit stunned answering,"Huh?" He sweetly explained, "After 'World War I' as the injured soldiers came home, the only way society would allow them to provide for themselves and their families was to beg. They would sit outside businesses, holding the caps off of their heads in hand, pleading for money. Thus the term 'Handicap' was coined. We are not beggars, right?" asked Andy. "Wow!" I exclaimed.

Disabled is another term that is better, but not favored by many.

 Breaking down the word might give us insight into 'Why?' Dis means negation, reversal or opposite; Able means having inherent physical or mental ability or capacity, having the necessary means or skill or know-how or authority to do something; able to learn. Put them together and Disabled means-opposite of doing or learning. My personal definition is someone who gives up or is just plain lazy and doesn't try to accomplish anything.

There are many people who by choice are 'Disabled'/Non-learning, Non-doing individuals. Remember, just because someone does things differently does not make them 'Disabled'.

My family has come up with a complimentary term for people who give life their all and I'm proud to be one. It's Different-abled, accomplishing things differently than the usual.

This has been rummaging around in my mind since then and I felt the need to share this in hopes of us understanding more about each other.

But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind
Luke 14:13



I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Friday, September 24, 2010

Essay for the Ms. Wheelchair Utah Pageant

In the summer of 1991 I became disabled. My leg was mangled beyond recognition and doctors had, in no uncertain words, proclaimed; that I would live my life as an invalid not able to take care of myself. At first I believed them, but eventually my tenacious spirit could not be held back by depression and the medical opinions of human beings. I decided that what counted in my life was what God and I thought was possible.

I wanted to be a good example for my children and show them that they can persevere no matter the trials that come your way. So I stepped out on faith and went back to college. I was scared, but I knew I had to do this for me and my kids. My friends and family encouraged me. Though like me they were wondering if this really was something I could handle, mentally and/or physically.

Determination became my constant companion. If I was told I could not accomplish something, that it was impossible, this just made me set my mind to succeed just a little bit more each time. It was a struggle. I had to go out of my comfort zone to ask for help and give some in return. I proved to professors, students and myself alike that different-abled people are intelligent, that they can and do contribute to their communities. I graduated with a 3.5 grade point average and WALKED for my diploma with the help of my son. Then I took a wonderful job that was offered to me right away as a counselor at The Boys and Girls Club. It was my dream job, because I was allowed to teach and model for kids, especially some underprivileged kids, what had by then become my motto: No matter the obstacles life puts in your way, YOU can accomplish anything you set your mind to do, with perseverance, family and God! These children became part of my heart.

I then became so ill my leg was amputated and once again, I was told I’d never be able to care for myself. I was placed in a nursing home for two and a half years. I did my best to stay positive and am now living independently. I help my daughter by taking care of her two kids, my grand kids, so she can work and provide for them.

All this has helped me to realize that; I’m not disabled. I’m diff-abled! Meaning different-abled or doing things in a different way than most people. I also found a new and better me in the process. Someone who is unafraid to try new and unusual things. Someone more excepting. Someone more loving. Someone I could be proud of. Mostly someone my children and grandchildren could be proud of!

The Lord is my strength and my song;
Exodus 15:2


I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Virginia

This was a creative writing paper I wrote a while back that fits into the story at this point; I will preface this story with; nothing in my life is easy, everything is a trial for me. God allows my life to be this way, so that I will lean on Him and His mighty power in every aspect of my life, and I praise Him for this fact.  Reminding me He’s always there, through others faith,  even when my own is small.  

She walks with grace, effervescence and authority. This full-figured, voluptuous, beauty with wavy blonde hair and intense blue eyes is one of the many nurses at the nursing facility I “vacationed” at. Being 39 years old and having to go to a nursing facility made me absolutely bitter. So, she, being the first person I met, I had already vowed (sight unseen) to dislike her. She was kind and understanding, allowing me to vent all my frustrations on her. Over the next 3 weeks she had won me over, I was a die-hard Virginia fan. She was A-number-1 in my book.
  I was in the nursing facility, because I needed I.V. antibiotics in my system twice daily, through what medical personnel call a pick-line (which is an I.V. tube that runs directly to my heart). Put there in hopes of arresting an infection I had contracted in my bone, which could cause a total amputation of my right leg (3/4's had already been amputated due to a similar thing happening, after some major trauma had already done its damage) or, even causing death. Virginia was the nurse who “lucked out” and got the privilege of hooking me to the I.V. machine. Hooking me to the machine was a pain in the butt for many reasons; 1) the antibiotics didn’t always come on time, 2) the I.V. machine gave everyone problems, and 3) if the medicine was late, that meant the nurse who hooked me to the machine would need to wait until my meds were done being dispersed, so a qualified individual  (meaning the same nurse, who hooked me up) could take me off the machine, thus causing that nurse to be late going home. Through it all, she just kept that same grace and compassion, that makes Virginia, who she is.
  One day in particular she had orders from the doctor to take my blood at two different times, before my antibiotics and an hour after my antibiotics. As I said in my opening, nothing in my life is easy.  After 14 years of my veins being poked and jabbed causing immeasurable stress and shock to my body (especially my veins), my veins have learned to fight back. They will hide from, roll out from underneath of, and/or shock the person holding the needle.
  Virginia heard the horror stories, from me and quite a few other nurses about my veins, so she had prepared herself. She had decided to put another I.V. in the other arm, so it would only take one stick to draw blood twice. Preparing the area she was to stick there was a look of concern on her face, for the fact, that she did not want to cause me any more trauma than was necessary, physically or emotionally. Poking the needle in she felt resistance, which I felt automatically and immediately I started praying out-loud, quite emphatically and resounding, in fact (I‘ve never been accused of being quiet LOL). A flash of shock shown on her face (I don’t think she had a patient so boldly or loudly pray like this). But what came next gave her more of a shock, as I prayed unafraid, the needle went in with ease. With a bit of relief on her face, she taped the second I.V. down and drew the first blood, then her focus went to the other arm.
  Having to hook me to the I.V. machine that would pump the antibiotic into my arm. Thinking of the trouble just moments before the concern crept slowly back onto her face, as the machine started giving her fits, not wanting to pump, and beeping at her repetitiously. Without even thinking about it, I was again praying loudly, which shocked her a little less this time, being more prepared for this.  At the moment I started praying, the machine stopped acting off and went about it’s business, as though there was never a problem.  The look of concern slowly melted off her face, and she walked to the door. "Thanks for the prayer,” she said as she flowed out the door in her hot pink scrubs with animals of all sorts applying bandages, every which way.

A week later, it was Virginia again, who had the orders to pull my pick-line (I.V.) from my arm.  She hesitated much of the day, putting it off,  so she would have the I.V. specialist at the facility to call on if needed.  Not understanding this, until now when I look back, I kept nagging her to take it out.  Finally, when I had became unbearably obnoxious (in all my “manners” of persuasion), to appease me, she gave in to my demands.  She graciously had me go to my room, while she gathered up the needed equipment.  Cascading into my room in her usual affable style, she laid out the medical equipment in an orderly manner on the table beside her.  Then she had me lie down on my bed to put me and all my muscles at ease.  She began loosening the tape in the area around the pick-line, in her ”Virginia” way, being conscious as always of her patient’s needs, making sure that I was comfortable and not tensed.  After my arm was free of tape, she then started pulling the tubing out of my system.  It was half way out and she felt it snag,  It was caught inside my vein, stuck at my shoulder curve, I could feel it, causing me minimal discomfort.  She immediately called the I.V. specialist, through the nurse button, never leaving my side.  It took a few minutes, but Virginia was calm through it all, keeping her poise and her patient calm (Me) , explaining that if she just pulled it might cause damage to my system.
  The I.V. specialist walked in the door asking Virginia what the trouble was.  Explaining calmly she then asked for instructions about what to do.  Hot compresses were applied hoping that the heat would help relax whatever was holding it in place.  That did not work.  A bit of anger grew in me, listening to the specialist say that for the 15 years that she had been an I.V. specialist, this had only happened once and it was easily solved with hot compresses. The next suggestion was to call the hospital and ask them what to do. This would take a while, so Virginia rolled up the tubing hanging from my arm and taped it to my arm once again.
I waited as patiently as “I” could, it was three hours later when I got the scoop on what we were to do. “We have a list of five things we need to try, before we have to send you to the hospital.  The hospital will be our last ditch effort,”  Virginia said in her most congenial tone. “No,“ I said, abruptly, “we have six things to try.  Number one is to pray.“
  Our journey started with drinking hot liquids, while in a hot shower hoping that the water would massage my shoulder, loosening where the tube was caught.  Also, Virginia was to hang a syringe full of water from the tubing in hopes of weighing down the tube so it might slide out on its own.  By this time, I was steaming mad, mumbling under my breathe about how nothing can ever go the easy way for me and resigning myself to go to the hospital for approximately the 100th time in my life.  I got all ready for my shower, sending my nurses aide for some cocoa.
  Sitting in that stark pink shower room, that smelled of antiseptic and human feces, I was still fuming mad.  Once again, Virginia cascaded in, in her usual elegance and poise, bringing with her a cup of cocoa and the syringe full of water.  She explained that the syringe has warm water in it and she is going to flush the tubing with it before I start my shower. Looking me in the eye she said, “Did you want to pray?”  In my frustration I was praying, but only half-heartedly and when she said this it startled me back to reality that, 'the Lord’s in charge.'  Answering her I said, “I’ve already prayed, but I’d like to pray with you.”  We bowed our heads and prayed out-loud, together this time. Shocking the aide as she walked in, not only with me sitting there in all my glory, this she expected, but to enter a shower room with vociferous praying and heads bowed. The aide bowed her head in respect and joined our strange, little prayer circle. When the praying ceased the aide left the room. Virginia flushed the warm water through the tubing and it slid out of my arm.
  I started boisterously praising the Lord, while Virginia with a grin as big as the Cheshire cat, put pressure on the hole and taped a bandage on it
  In my exhilaration, I just went back to the wild, outspoken, jokester that the nursing facility had gotten to know, and went to the dining room to tease all the nurses aides, not letting my concerned family know what had happened.
  Fifteen minutes later, a call was taken at the nurses station for me, it was my attentive sister, Glory trying to find out what was happening.  When I was satisfied that I had razzed the aides enough I headed back to my room.  Passing the nurses station on my way, Virginia told me my sister had called and I should call her back. When I got to my room I nonchalantly called Glory thinking I would be the bearer of the good news.  She answered the phone finding me on the other end she said, “I heard you got the tubing out of your arm.  Virginia said it was achieved with warm water and prayer, and she knows it was the prayer.”  I sat there stunned, not truly realizing until that moment God does answer MY prayers and how much He cares for this wild, rollicking jokester.

 Thank you Lord for loving each and everyone of us, no matter how little our faith can be sometimes.

Pray without ceasing.
1 Thessalonians 5:17


I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

You Really Can't Judge a Book By It's Cover

The next day before I went to see my dad I checked out the activities that were being offered. I discovered there was a Bingo game scheduled, so I made a plan to have my daily visit based around that time.

I went to the Alzheimer's unit early. I made arrangements to check my dad out and take him to the cafeteria to join in this function together. It was good I was early because the staff wasn't prepared for him to go anywhere. After all so few of their patients ever left the unit. While I waited, it became time for shift-change and new staff members started working. When my dad was ready to leave, we made our way to the exit and a CNA who hadn't met me yet stopped us. I asked "Could you please unlock the door? We're going to go play Bingo." He looked up and down the hall, searching for something unknown to me, then calmly said, "Who's the responsible party?" I rolled my eyes in frustration and answered, "Me! I know I look and sound like your patients, but I'm here visiting my dad from unit B, the short-stay unit. Ask the nurse if you want." He turned with a quizzical look at the nurse and she nodded her head in agreement. Embarrassment redden his face, he opened the door quick as a wink and exclaimed, "I'm sorry! I shouldn't judge a book by its cover."

That point was driven home during each and every visit with the knowledgeable man I knew as my father. Despite the vacant stare that frequently overcame those wise eyes of his. When we went to sing-a-longs he knew every word, his mind was aware enough to comfort me when I was down and that quick-wit of his was there at the right moments to make many people laugh. But most important of all, he never forgot whether or not we had our daily Bible reading! Wow God!

My word that goes out from my mouth will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
Isaiah 55:11

I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Monday, September 20, 2010

God's Gift

Let's get back to my nursing home experience with my dad, Dave Adams, which I know God had given each of us, as a wonderful gift.

He had Alzheimer's and I had heard many stories of his failing memory. So when I arrived at the facility and went to visit him, I expected him not to know who I was. But as I entered the Alzheimer's unit he looked at the door, as all these type of patients do and a glimmer of recognition came to his eyes. He exclaimed, "Merrym?!" This brought tears of happiness to my eyes. I quickly explained that I was also staying there and I'd be by daily to see him. He became excited and jumped for joy in his wheelchair. At this first visit I stayed for quite a while, but became tired faster than I expected, due to my infection. We said our goodbyes and as I left I reminded him I'd be back the next day, even though I knew he would forget.

The next day came and after all my medical procedures, I slowly, yet exhaustedly made my way to his unit. I wondered all the while, how long I'd be able to stay, because I tired so easily. But once again I entered and the sight and sound that came to my senses brought a renewed energy to my drained form. My dad was sitting right inside the door with a gigantic grin on his wonderfully, etched face and cried out in delight, "Yeah! It's Merrym! Hey everyone, it's my youngest daughter! I knew you'd make it!"

We went into the visiting area and I said, "You get to choose what we do first today. The choices are watch TV, have a father-daughter talk or I can read from the Bible to you." Now my dad was a relatively new Christian, so I was overjoyed with his answer. Before I could finish he interrupted,"The Bible! Let's read God's word!"...

The word of the Lord came to me:
Ezekiel 21:1

I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Phantoms

I reserved today for the question and answer session that I had after my talk at The Boys and Girls Club, specifically so I could go into detail, thinking maybe you might have similar questions. I would love to answer those questions. If there's something you would like me to go in more depth about, feel free to ask. It's more than likely everyone will be interested.
  • How did they remove my leg?
They had to cut through the tissue and muscle to reach the bone. Then they used a bone saw to sever the bad from the good and remove it
  • What did they do with my leg after the surgery was over?
It was badly infected and contagious, so the Hazardous Material Team incinerated it. This was to make sure that the MRSA bacteria would not invade anyone else's body.
  • What is Phantom pain?

Phantom pain is pain that feels like it's coming from a body part thats' no longer there. There is also a Phantom itch. These are called Phantom sensations. Your nerve endings have been severed, but they still send signals to your brain as though everything is intact.

  • Are these Phantom sensations real?
Phantom sensations are very real. In fact 80% of amputees experience this sometime in their lives.
  • Do I experience these sensations?
Yes! I have constant Phantom pain. I also have the Phantom itching. Neither can really be relieved.
  • What does Phantom pain feel like?
For me it feels like my leg is on fire, while a steam roller is parked on it. My big toe feels as though it has a steady pounding of blood flowing into it, giving me the sensation that it will explode. This is excrutiating!

To this day there are times when I feel my leg itching or in pain and I reach to scratch or soothe it. It is a weird feeling, realizing that your brain can easily forget something so traumatic. Even now, seven years after the amputation, the Phantom sensations have not subsided. If anything, they have gotten worse, keeping me from functioning at times.

Night pierces my bones; my gnawing pains never rest.
Job 30:17

I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

PS If you're interested in seeing an amputation surgery here's an excellent site to go to: Medicalive.net/316_above_knee_amputation,surgical_operation

Thursday, September 16, 2010

They Chanted, "Merrym! Merrym!"

Before I got the OK to go back to work, I received a phone call from my boss at The Boys and Girls Club. He said, "I don't mean to interrupt you while your on the mend, but the kids are asking about you. I was thinking, if you felt like it, that you could please come visit them for half an hour. This would put all of their worries and questions to rest. I know I'm asking a lot, but your public is getting impatient."

I was so excited and answered, "Of course! I could tell them what happened to me and why. Then we can do a question and answer session, OK? Let the kids know before I come, so they all can be there. I want to see each of their beautiful, shining faces." We got all the details set up and I waited ever so impatiently to go.

Finally the day came and Courtney went with me in case I needed help. My boss told me there was a record number of kids there that day. I could tell! The cafeteria was packed from corner-to-corner with grinning children and staff.

As I entered I felt an excitement that was like electricity. My beautiful kids gave me a standing ovation (ironic as that was) and chanted, "Merrym! Merrym!" My heart burst with happiness, as a long line of children gave me hugs, with humongous smiles on their faces.

When the greetings were over and the crowd was hushed, I explained, what I thought was in detail, about the amputation and then opened it up for questions...

They send forth their children as a flock; their little ones dance about.
Job 21:11

I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Mind Jolts

Because of all the feelings and emotions that I've stuffed over these last excruciatingly painful 20 years sometimes it takes a few jolts to my memory to remember them.

Today I ran into one of my students from The Boys and Girls Club. I didn't recognize him, but he knew me right away. Some people have commented after meeting me, "I'm very unforgettable!" It may be that I dress crazy or that my hair changes with my mood. It could be my slurred speech or the wheelchair. Only God knows 'Why?' I truly love it when people from my past jog my memory, especially when the memories are good.

After I graduated from college, The Boys and Girls Club offered me a job as a counselor. I jumped at the opportunity to be with those wonderful kids whom I had a mutual respect and love for and with. After all I had finally gained their trust and would have kept volunteering, no money involved, just to be with them.

But if you recall six months after I graduated I became so ill and had to have my leg amputated. Glory had informed my boss of this fact and that I may not be able to return. A couple days after the quarantine was lifted my boss and co-workers bounced in my hospital room with an amazing banner in tow. The banner was comprised of a 3 ft-3 ft piece of butcher paper and lots of brilliant colored lettering. It said: GET WELL SOON! I know nothing out of the normal. But the fantastic thing on that banner was a message from each of the students of how they couldn't wait for my return and to be in their midst. Every inch of it was covered with God's awesome love for me!

Then to top it off, while they taped it to the wall closest to me so I could read all those words of love, my boss said, "Your job and the kids will be waiting for you, when and if you choose to return. We all hope to see you soon!"...

Give thanks to the God of gods. His love endures forever.
Psalm 136:2

I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Monday, September 13, 2010

Courtney Where Are You?!

Peg has pointed out to me that you may have been wondering what was happening with my daughter during my quarantine, amputation, hospitalization and nursing home stay. After all she was a 17 year old minor in my custody.

We had gone through many of my near-death experiences in her short life-span, so without saying, it was a known fact that she would stay with Glory. But there was a change the particular summer of the quarantine and hospitalization. She was old enough to stay alone with Glory checking in on her from time-to-time. But Courtney had also expressed an emotional need to be with me as much as possible, seeing how close I was to death and also knowing how much medical facilities scare me. My home was on a bus route making this a possibility. So she stayed there during the night, but was at the hospital daily from the beginning of visitor hours until the end.

Six months later when I was placed in the nursing home for a month, Glory and my doctor thought it best to have me move into an apartment that was easier for me to keep clean, so to avoid a possibility of falling or getting sick from germs. Since Courtney was one month away from being a legal adult and truly in need of her own identity, she and Brittanie moved in with Courtney's soon to be sister-in-law and once again visited me daily for a couple hours.

My family always made sure she was physically and financially OK every time I was unable to provide for her.

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
Psalm 68:5

I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Friday, September 10, 2010

And God Bless Us Everyone!

So, I told Mer I felt the need to write about this period of time in her story. The thing is I wasn't present during any of it. I couldn't be, which has brought guilt into my heart.

I was divorced at the time and had to provide for myself and the kids when they were with me. I'm pretty sure, thinking back, that I was a personal nanny at the time and didn't get benefits or time off. If I left my job I most likely would have been replaced in the blink of an eye. I knew that Mom, Glory, Ann and Karen could and would handle the situation the best way possible. Mer and I kept in touch by phone almost daily, (remember this was before the average Joe could afford a cell phone). My hopes, prayers and thoughts were on Merrym every moment I wasn't busy and usually on her when I was busy, too. Mer as usual was such an emotional strong arm, that she seemed to be more of a support for the rest of us, than we were for her. I remember calling her after the amputation and speaking with the drug induced, garbled up Mer. She was chipper and as silly as ever.

One day when she had signed back into lucidity and had a short amount of physical therapy, she told me that God had a new assignment for her. "Tell me about it Mer" I responded. "So, there's this older gentleman in the physical therapy unit that has also just lost his leg" she told me in a peppy chant. "He seems to be depressed and in big time need of some extra encouragement when he's doing therapy," I nodded at her. "I'm going to be his cheerleader!" she announced. "God wants him to know, that if I can get through all the crud I've had to deal with, that he most certainly can too!" She beamed like the man on the moon. My sister! What a woman! What a human being!

Oh and Glory's right, our family is far from perfect! We have miles to go! Issues! Issues! Issues! We all have them. Mix those with the stress of each situation we've been through with Mer and you get Trouble! Trouble I say! Right here in Ogden Utah! We boil over once in a while. It's just sad when we take our frustrations out on the wrong people. But then again we are human.

I hope that each and every one of you reading this blog right now, would stop and say a prayer for our family as a whole. We definitely need it. It's been a long, rocky, hard, on going road for us all. Thank you! And God bless us everyone!

This verse is one we all need real work on!
Do everything without complaining or arguing.
Philippians 2:14


Love You Mer

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Not The Perfect Family? WHAT?!

After reading the blog for several months, some of you may think that our family is the perfect family. It may look like we are all 'johnny-on-the-spot' and agreeing on everything that pertains to Merrym. Well, I am here to tell you that this is far from true. Merrym's amputation brings to memory one of those times that the friction was definitely strong.

Merrym explained how she had signed papers to have her leg amputated above the wound. As you know the doctor apparently felt he just couldn't do this, because of his past experience. He had been a military doctor, where he had done many amputations on our honorable soldiers. I questioned him after the surgery about his change of mind on how much should have been amputated. He explained that he knew that if her leg was too short, it would throw off her balance, especially while sitting. I told him that we were not happy that he had waited until Merrym was just about to go through the surgical room door to have her sign a different contract. I explained that I was her Power of Attorney and that I should have been consulted!

I felt that I had done all that could be done since the surgery was already over, but one of my sister's was extremely angry. She was berating me in the hallway of the hospital, because she didn't think I had done anything to rectify the situation. I asked her, "What do you want? Do you want me to make him take her back in right now and operate again? He explained to me that he had done what he thought was best, based upon his experience." She has a tendency to be very verbal and she wanted to talk to the doctor, herself. She had already called him a few choice names as she talked to me. Since I was 'in charge' due to the fact that I had POA, I told her she couldn't talk to him. I felt we needed a doctor, who was going to look after Merrym, not an annoyed doctor, who might not have her best interest in mind.

This caused a real problem and we barely talked to each other for the remainder of the time she was in Utah. This was not hard since she didn't really spend much time at the hospital. She left the day before Merrym got out of the hospital.

How painful are honest words! But what do your arguments prove?
Job 6:25

Love, Mother Hen Glory

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

We 2 Shall Meet

Needless to say since the infected wound was not removed with the amputation, six months after I left the hospital I was right back in the same capsizing boat. With the exception that we had caught it sooner this time. The surgeon had to take some more of my leg off, which just so happened to be the amount exactly above the rotting tissue that I previously tried to have amputated. Imagine That?!

The infection had moved further up the bone, but the doctor was sure they could arrest it with a new more powerful antibiotic that was now available. The problem was I needed to receive this intravenously, twice a day, for a month and have constant supervision to make sure the infection didn't relapse again. I also needed licensed medical personnel to assess me on whether I could still live on my own at the end of all this torture. We had a problem. Where was all this going to be possible?

God had a plan, not just for me but for another family member.

Before the first amputation my step-dad, the only husband of my mother's who treated me and my siblings like a Godly-Father should, the one man I considered worthy of being called 'My Dad' had gotten very ill, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and had to be placed in a nursing home.

My mother was aging and was dedicated to visiting Dave for long periods of time. This became extremely draining on her. I also knew being that hospitals had become my second home, how frightening it was to be alone in a medical facility and how fear of the unknown crept up on you in times of solace. I was going to do anything to alleviate 'My Dad' of these terrors.

At this point we weren't sure how long he had left, so everyday I would make the trek by bus and my manual wheelchair of fifteen miles to visit him. But eventually it became an impossibility due to the weather and my bad health. I still worried about him and wanted to spend time with him.

God's awesome plan was for me to be placed in the same nursing home as 'My Dad' so I could visit him as much as I wanted. Yahoo!

While I recovered and went through the antibiotic treatment Dave and I got together to play bingo, have father-daughter talks, go to sing-a-longs where I held 'My Daddy's' hand and read the Bible together. I believe God allowed me this time so that I could spend one-on-one, quality time with this 'Awesome Example of a Father' before God took Dave Adams to spend eternity with Him. Thank you Lord for this wonderful man.

I love you Dad/Daddy/Father! I truly appreciate the time we had together and will have again in heaven.

In everything he followed the example of his father Joash.
2 Kings 14:3

I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Monday, September 6, 2010

Shark Tank

In another post Glory described my Orthopedic Surgeon as having a personality of a barracuda. In my opinion that is putting it lightly. He was more like a Hammerhead shark.

Let me explain; Hammerheads are strange looking, swim in schools that circle and manipulate their prey.

This man was definitely odd in appearance. He had a shiny, bald, oblong shaped head with glasses that would be considered old-timey spectacles; a tall, yet scrawny build without no bedside manner and; a extremely uncharismatic personality. He reminded me of Igor in the Frankenstein movies.

When my family and I discussed my amputation and the point where my leg was to be taken off, we all agreed the best thing would be to remove it right above the huge open wound that was the site of the infection. This was approximately four inches above the knee. I could not let my fear take over. So in a very a cut and dry state of mind I watched my hand mechanically sign the papers pertaining to that fact. I did this with the emotional support of Glory, Ace and Court. As I was wheeled to surgery I was trying to feel confident that all was kosher.

As my gurney reached the door of the operating room, the surgeon and his staff flowed forth circling my bed like a school of those Hammerhead sharks. When I was surrounded by these individuals, the doctor went to work manipulating his drug induced, groggy prey (Me). He said, "Merrym, I know we agreed on taking your leg above the infection, but I don't think that's a good idea. When I do amputations, it is always below the knee. I'm not letting you enter this operating room, let alone making a cut of any kind, unless you sign a new consent form that gives me permission to do so." Then he nonchalantly handed me a clipboard and a pen, while the rest of the 'Sharks' stared me down.

All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind, but ultimately my choice at that point was made for me. I knew that my trust was in God, not the man before me, so I grabbed the form and signed it...

Trust in the Lord when he says, 'The Lord will surely deliver us;"
2 Kings 18:30 b

I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Friday, September 3, 2010

Wisdom of Youth

As I became more aware of things in the hospital, after my amputation, my 17 year old daughter, Courtney, told me she was pregnant. She said she had waited until I was in a hospital bed, so I couldn't chase her down and kick her butt (literally). The thing is I already knew from all the clues that she'd left or hadn't left around our house. For example, she was five months along and it showed, but I decided to let her tell me in her own time. After all, I thought that if she felt she was mature enough to make a baby, she should definitely be mature enough to face me like an adult and tell me the news. When I found this out I vowed to give her minimal help, so she would learn to be a good mother.

Four months after I came home from the hospital, we brought my gorgeous grand-daughter, Brittanie, home too. At that time I was still battling depression and using my painkillers to escape into that ever comforting, yet time thief, medicinal-oblivion.

One day during one of my tiny windows of clear thinking, Courtney grabbed the opportunity to say, "Mom, I understand Brittanie is my responsibility, but we need you! I have questions for you to answer and Brittanie needs her grandmother! When you take your medicine you space out or just pass out. You're missing her growing and changing. This is heartbreaking to me because we have had so many close calls with you and I want all of us to have awesome memories of this time in her life. But most of all I want your grand-daughter to know you! Please stop taking so much medicine!!"

At that moment I made the choice that I'd rather be in pain, no matter how excoriating, and be conscious of the lives surrounding me. I chose to live my life, rather than sleep it away and miss everything.
I have had some incidents, which I will talk about in up-coming blogs, but to this day I take the minimal amount of painkillers to get by. I'm never out of pain, but I'm enjoying my awesome family and friends. Thank you God and Courtney for those awesome words of wisdom!

Is not Wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?
Job 12:12

I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce

Thursday, September 2, 2010

More Questions and Answers

Some questions that I have been asked lately are:
  • Before the healing conference that I attended was I sick in any way?
  • Do you believe the amputation was already going to happen?
  • How is the surgery considered God's healing?
As you know, before the surgery I got an infection every other month, which would take me out for at least two days until the antibiotics started working. Also I had an open sore constantly on the back of my bad leg for four years. It grew to the size of a large apple and Dr. Muse prescribe some medicine for diabetic sores, even though I'm not a diabetic (Praise God!) hoping it would heal. This 'Liquid Gold' (I nicknamed the medication this because of how expensive it was) worked a miracle, shrinking the wound to pea size before I ran out. I asked for more, but my insurance would not approve it. This is because of the extreme cost and I wasn't a diabetic. Then with out the medication my sore grew back to the huge size it was before. But the weekend that I attended the conference I was feeling quite good. Courtney was with me and I was acting her age (16).
The answer is two-fold: (1) Yes, I was sick. (2)No, I wasn't feeling like I needed to go to the hospital at that time.

I have told you that since the day I met my doctor, he would tell me each time I visited him that I would not have my leg all of my life.
The answer is: Yes an amputation was inevitable.

Look at all the facts: God is in control of everything: from making the world and universe, to life and deaths, to even knowing the number of hairs on our heads.
The answer is: It's a big YES! This surgery was God's healing.

You also know I still question God daily. "Why?" Even though His answer is always the same:
"Merrym, it's because I love and trust you. I have a plan for your life."

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are numbered.
Luke 12:7

I am blessed
Merrym Dawn Mathis Bruce